NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA KEANO
Ok. I'm gonna try not to talk lots about football, cos it gets enough exposure i think, but i just gotta talk about Roy Keane. I'm a United fan. Because of this, you might just stop reading now, but whatever. I have to give my point of view cos no one else seems to be defending him. So yes, he fouled Haaland, and yes, it was pre meditated. But to think that he's the only player to ever do that is just totally stupid. Players have always had grudges against others (wasn't it Jack Charlton who had the black book? Oh, but he's a world cup winner, so it's ok). Roy Keane is not the first and won't be the last to seek a bit of vengence. Golden boy Shearer has behaved just as badly throughout his career. I seem to remember him saying something stupid about how United players don't like being kicked. Hate that boring bastard. The lines over which Keane has been charged are tiny, and not very noticable in context with the rest of the book. Players have admitted to wrong doings in their autobiographies before, and have never had such a backlash. So ok, Keane fouled someone, he got sent off, he served his punishment, he talked about it in his book (as i'm sure Haaland would were he important, or intelligent, enough to write a book). To charge him with "bringing the game into disrepute" is madness. Dennis Wise was cleared of the same charge after beating up a team mate and being sacked from his club. Bolton's Toftig was this week jailed for 4 months. Graham Rix was allowed to return to his coaching job at Chelsea after his sentencing for something i don't wanna even mention cos he make me feel ill. These are surely much much worse than kicking someone in a game of football. But obviously not if you play for Manchester United. And you can hate him all you want, but if he was in your team (and you wish he was) you'd be defending him all the same.
ps A good few years ago I went to an after match dinner and autograph signing thing (I'm a season ticket holder, so don't start thinking i'm some day tripping glory hunter). While Gary Pallister and Peter Schemichael moaned and wanted to go as soon as possible, I stood waiting and Roy Keane sat in front of me. He chatted away and was absolutely lovely, signed things, took pictures, and looked after me when some guy was trying to get us to move along and stuff. He really is a nice bloke, not the psycho people try to make him out to be. He's just passionate about things, stands up for what he believes, and he wants to be the best. I think you could learn something from him, couldn't you??

YOU LOVE US
Oh wow! Someone actually reads this! Thanks loads and loads and loads to Simon B off NoRock for linking me and stuff. I'm right chuffed now! You've made my day. Thanks matey. And welcome if you're just having a visit. Hope you enjoy your stay.

LIKE CRACK FOR YOUR KEYBOARD
This game is totally and utterly addictive. Just play it. It's so simple, yet so fantastic. And miles better than a Playstation 2.

DREAMS CAN COME TRUE
I had a dream last night. It was about this blog. For some mad reason, Norman Cook e-mailed me and was really mean. I dunno why. And he said i'd made a spelling mistake somewhere, but while pointing this out he misspelt a word anyway. Then he threatened me at the end, and said i couldn't tell anyone else about it. So instead, i posted it all up here and took the piss out of him. Norm then tried to shut Fall and Rise... down, but he couldn't for some reason. I think I staged a brave resistance! So bring it on Fatboy! C'mon! Let's have it! (For legal reasons, let's not have it. You're dead rich. I'm just a rubbish blog. I mean no harm. So just leave it, alright? I'm not worth it.)

I READ THE NEWS TODAY OH BOY...
About a lucky man who didn't quite make the grade, according to the NME. But more about the Ashcroft album later (see what i did there?? Lucky man - Ashcroft? Quite clever, Dontchathink? No? Oh, ok then)
Anyway, in another quite blatent rip off from the quite superb (if anti-Oasis) NoRock, i will now take you through the top pop weekley New Musical Express.
And quite fittingly for this blog, the cover stars are none other than the fantastic Libertines! Looking very, well, looking very much like me actually. Wish i had a bad leather jacket though. Oh well. Onwards!
Page 3, as always, begins the news section, and apparently the most newsworthy item is a big picture of a couple of The Strokes bombing about on go karts, with yet another rubbish pun on their album title ("Whizz This It". Oh dearie dearie me). Now i love The Strokes lots and lots and lots and lots. But sometimes, you just think "?!?". I saw this story on a Strokes site ages ago. It had the same picture. It wasn't very interesting really. Even less interesting now. And, shockingly for the New Strokes Express, they seem to think the kart drivers were Albert and Julian, despite the fact that Mr Casablancas can clearly be seen on the right of the picture. I'd guess the other driver is Fab Moretti. Must try harder NME!
Next page has a boring story about Zane Lowe and Radio 1. I really don't like him, that programme on mtv2 is rubbish. Save Lamacq!
NME still going on about Blur-Coxon stuff, no one cares anymore. Libertines scare off tour manager and soundman, hints of heroin type stuff. Oh dear. Coral doing new album now. More Strokes news, Jules doesn't like the queen (does anybody??). Datsuns return to New Zealand, no one's really bothered, NME goes mad for it anyway. Yeah Yeah Yeahs' singer's clothes get a bit ripped at a gig, for some reason this is news. Robbie "Twat" Williams splits with song writer, justifiable music news, but still a bit slow cos we all knew already. Jet are "THE WORLD'S HOTTEST NEW BAND" apparently, cos they're australian and do garage rock and have long hair and the singer's kinda passable, you know, like every HOTTEST NEW BAND over the last 2 years. Ash have gonks from coldplay in some movie thing. Vines hit back at aussie press. Eminem still doesn't like Moby. Foos play wembley. Sum 41 take the piss out of all "The" bands in video, but not really. Stupid story. And that's yer news!
Karen O from Yeah Yeah Yeahs does the Burn It! album. Motley Crue, Liars, The Cramps, Salt n Pepa. It all makes sense now.
Oh. My. God. Kelly Osbourne. Has a boyfriend. He's hideous. I am heartbroken. I really really really am in love with Kelly Osbourne. And she's holding hands with some dullard with a shit beard and stupid hair and crap long shorts and bad bad shoes. And white socks! Kelly, dump him now. Go out with me instead. I have to turn the page, i can't look at that anymore.
On bands are Kenesis (in NME's words: "seething art punk brilliance". In Liberteen's words: "shit") and Erase Errata. Dunno who they are. Can't be arsed reading it.
Interview with Graham Coxon. I don't like Blur, and Albarn is a tosser, but i always had a soft spot for Graham. He always makes you wanna go "awwww, bless". I feel dead sorry for him now they kicked him out. Poor lad. Stick yer Fatboy Slim up yer arse Albarn!
Story about the Help album from 1995, cos of the new NME - War Child thing. Blur, Oasis, Suede, Stone Roses, Manics, Weller, Radiohead, Portishead, Charlatans, Chemicals, Levellers, Boo Radleys, Neneh Cherry, KLF. Give or take a few, it's all a bit more impressive than this year's get together. See the thing i wrote below a couple of days ago for more. There's a picture of the Help NME cover, featuring Noel, Ian Brown, and, erm, the Boo Radleys. Remember when they were quite popular? Shame, i liked 'em. Also on the cover: "The Verve split" (for the first time) and Julian Cope, Metallica, Smaller, Wagon Christ, Leonard Cohen, Stereolab, Kristin Hersh and Lenny Kravitz all get a mention. Picture of the once great Weller with tosser McCartney too.
Next page has people talking about their fave "1 Love" songs. Ronan Keating likes the Stereophonics. Dear god, never let these two be mentioned this closely ever again. Good mocked up picture of Badly Drawn Boy and Jools Holland as Dexy's Midnight Runners. Made me laugh.
And now it's the lovely lovely Libertines! Except they might not be that lovely lovely. But they make great records and look pretty cool. Pete looks slightly the worse for wear though, and there's an absolutely awful picture of him on page 36. Carl seems to have become the sex symbol of the band now. Come on Pete, keep up! He's a bit tubby actually for all the skinny leather jackets and t-shirts. There's the faded jeans with holes in too. All looks very Libertines-by-numbers, which i shouldn't complain about, what with me being a complete rip off of that.
"COKE-SNIFFING TRUTH STRETCHING FAME HUNGRY CHANCERS" shouts the headline, all NME style. Apparently one of them has had lots of booze and coke pre-interview, which of course pisses the sober one off. "He was born in a kitchen sink in Basingstoke, the poor cunt, to a family of gypsies" Pete tells us of Carl, all which seems to, understandably, piss off his fellow singer/guitarist. They continue to tell daft stories throughout the interview, but it's all quite entertaining. I did prefer the article earlier this year when they were on the cover with the union jack though. This just seems to be a rehashed version, but then their album's out on Monday so i suppose they're bound to do a bit of promotion.
Speaking of The Libertine's album...ta da!!! Here's the review. Wait, reviews already?? Only two interviews and a bit of shameless self promotion for 1 Love (like the NME hasn't done enough of that already) and that's it. Ack well. On to the reviews!
The Libertines - Up The Bracket. How shit is that album title? It gets 8/10 from Mr Needham. I'll be buying it. So should you.
Richard Ashcroft gets the review to be expected really (6/10). I loved The Verve, and i did like his first solo album, but i won't be getting "Human Conditions". He's capable of better than this, so come on Richard. Let's have it! Feeder's "Comfort In Sound" is 7/10. It was sad about the drummer, but i just can't muster up any interest. Still, they're not doing any harm i suppose. Oh, and has anyone noticed how deeply uncool all the NME journos are? They need them posh women off BBC 2 to give them all an indie/rock/Strokes type makeover.
Single of the Week is Brendan Benson. Dunno this song, but his last one was sweet, so i'll take the NME's word for it. Not arsed about the other singles.
Interpol get the short interview/long live review treatment. Undecided about these. I've only heard one song, and it sounded quite good, but there's always that guilt about liking a band who are kinda trendy and fashionable. No more interesting reviews.
Lots and lots and lots of gig adverts now. Wanna go see Morrisey at Blackburn, but i don't know anyone else who likes him or The Smiths, so i'll probably miss out. Well I can't go on my own, can i?!? Don't wanna see any other bands listed. Seen them all, or they're not very good.
What is going on with Thrills?? It was at the front, then it disappeared, now it's returned at the back! Not read it yet, but it probably isn't funny. And please call NMEmail "Angst" again. It was better then. Bizarrely, Craig from The Vines gets attacked for liking McDonalds. I'm far from a big capitalist pig dog, but i don't mind a Mikey D's if i'm dead hungry. I mean, by the same token you might as well attack Fab from The Strokes for owning and blatently wearing Coca Cola t-shirts!
And that's about all really. Next week doesn't look too promising, supposedly Queens of the Stone Age are gonna be on the cover. Not bad tunes mind.
Hope i didn't bore you to death just then. Remember, this is my first one. I quite enjoyed writing all this really, i've never gone through the NME this finely and deeply before. I hope i don't sound like i hate this paper. I love the NME to bits! I've been reading about 5 or 6 years, and it's introduced me to loads of great stuff. I *heart* you NME! Keep on keepin on. We can't afford to let you go the same way as Melody Maker (RIP). Anyway, if i can be bothered, i'll write something like this again next week. YAY!

CAUGHT BY THE FUZZ
Earlier this year, me and some of my friends went to the Leeds Festival. you may or may not know about the carnage on the final night. cut a long story short, lots of portaloos and a cabin thing got totally burnt down. i went to have a piss near the burning toilets shortly before they disappered. i proceeded to walk back towards my tent, slightly drunk, and suddenly noticed a big huge helicopter shining a big huge light on me. i then looked to my left and saw a row of about 30 police in full riot gear, batons, shields, helmets and everything, stood 20 feet away.
they charged.
i have never been so scared in my entire life. myself and everybody around, who had mostly been stood watching the carnage and not participating, about turned and ran as quickly as they could. i swear, we were a few yards from getting battered.
one of these men looks shockingly like my fast running friend. it isn't him. but for a second, just a second, i thought he was fucked.

ONE FLEW EAST ONE FLEW WEST...
Today i finished reading One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest. it was good, you should read it. i'm a bit sad that i've finished it now though. hmmm, i wonder what i should read next. any suggestions? i'm reading loads of Edgar Allan Poe stuff at the moment. i quite liked The Tell-Tale Heart, it kinda makes your heart beat faster like the heart under the floorboards. you should read that too if you haven't already. still, it all sounds a bit daft, what with it being really old and stuff. i think i might read Catcher In The Rye again. cos i'm such a (Liber)teenage stereotype. yes, i like Sylvia Plath too. leave me alone. you don't understand me. i'm gonna have a sulk. *humph*

you may have realised i just figured out how to do links! huzzah! so in celebration of this, click on scaryduck. then read. then laugh. lots. woo hoo!

STROKES ALERT

I love the strokes. so should you. look at the pictures on thestrokes.com and fall in love. but not with nick. he's too good for you! uh huh! yes he is!

WHOLE LOTTA OLD PEOPLE

Please god don't let this be true. it'll just send them on the stairway to heaven a bit sooner. that was a bad joke, wasn't it? i mean really bad. i sincerely apologise. that was so obvious. i'll go stand in the corner now. sorry.

ONE LOVE WE DON'T NEED ANOTHER ONE

So what's this NME - War Child album all about? loads of bands do their fave number ones. it's all very dull really. the NME gives it 10 outta 10 with a straight face. there's oasis doing a slade cover. which they've already done. except this time it's that christmas one. which makes no sense, what with santa's visit being 2 months away. and why is darius on it?? and faithless and dido? and i thought the NME and stereo-zzzzzzzz. sorry. just mentioning their name makes me drop off. but i thought those boring little welsh dullards hated the NME. and really, couldn't they have spared the small faces from a massacre at the hands of starsailor? i used to quite like starsailor, but now i think they are dull dull dull. anyway, i'm sure it's all for a good cause. but wouldn't you rather give 15 quid to war child instead? then you wouldn't have to inflict this garbage on yourself. and i'd rather eat my own legs then listen to another second of muse.

I think i'll have a go at talking about some news, kinda like they do so well on No Rock&Roll Fun but i'll try to talk about non-musical related happenings around the world as well. i'm not making any promises that it'll be good though, ya hear!!!

HELLO HELLO IT'S GOOD TO BE, UMMM, JUST STARTING ACTUALLY

Hello there! and welcome. welcome to what i do not know. i have no idea what i'm gonna put on this thing. i might get people to help, i dunno. i'll probably need it. anyway, i'm bored and waiting for clockwork orange to come on telly. oh, they're advertising it now! i love that music! hurry up and be on clockwork orange!!! what was i saying? oh yeah, so i thought i'd set out my manifesto for this little shindig on t'interweb. but like i said, it's just gonna be random thoughts and observations, blahdy blahdy blah. ya know, same as pretty much every blog in the world ever. but mine's better. cos i won't be all "oh poor me. i hate my life. boo hoo". well, actually it'll all end up like that anyway probably. but whatever. i just wanna write stuff! so i think i'll introduce myself by telling you my favouritest records in the whole entire world at the moment, and i therefore highly recommend you seek and destroy them! well, except don't destroy. just seek. and listen! god, i don't half ramble.
the libertines - up the bracket. i love this band to bits! i'm not the same liberteen as on mtv2europe though. oh no siree. not me!
polyphonic spree - hangin' around. i wasn't sure about these lot at first, but now i think they're great! woo hoo!
joy division - digital. and atmosphere. and transmission. and love will tear us apart. and every song they ever did. we miss you ian!
the strokes - every song by them too. i love the strokes sooooo much. i am such a strokes rip off boy. i think you should know that.
britney - i love rock n roll. yes. britney. in a non ironic way. this song's great. i have a t shirt with this written on. it's super cool.
oasis - definitely maybe. really got into this album again recently. i love 'em. liam, you're a star.
blondie - hanging on the telephone. put this on before you go get drunk. oh yes!
velvet underground - loaded. this album's ace. buy it. now. i said now!!!
brmc - spread your love. that bass line makes me think i'm gonna explode in a big fiery mess of blackness and grease and leather and mary chain records and big hair. and other shouty slogans ripped out of the NME.
the new manics song is rubbish by the way. but nicky's still ace.
ohhhh!!! clockwork orange is starting!! yay! well done if you read all the way through this. i hope to meet you again sometime soon. please don't hate me cos i'm beautiful. or good looking. or not too bad. or, ya know, half decent in a certain light. after a few pints. if you're wearing dark glasses. and looking the other way. when i'm not even there. rambling again. right, i'm off. i love you all! talk to you again soon!
bye bye!
xxx