I READ THE NEWS TODAY...
This week's NME has a lovely picture of the White Stripes on the cover, looking, as ever, like Pilsbury dough people. It's all very cool, saying only "The Cool List 2002". But Jack's rubbish jacket ruins it all. Really, it's horrible. I was watching "Taxi" earlier today, and that's the kind of jacket Tony Danza would wear. The whole idea of this issue is a bit daft, and they're clearly padding at the moment before all the Christmas gubbins.
News...and it's yet more about this NME tour with The Vines. It started in Birmingham the other night, and it was your normal Vines gig apparently (Craig's acts a bit mad, trashes everything at the end). We're told Craig "sported longer hair than usual". Which is nice.
The Astoria in London hasn't got it's licence, which is a shame. Little picture and story about Pete from The Libertines wearing a skirt (you can see a picture
here), and how lovely he looks too, though I doubt the security guards were that "edgy-looking" because of the NME's Libertine stories. Police apparently getting close to catching Leeds riot people. John Squire is making his live comeback, and the NME's sponsoring it or something. Kurt's diaries might be best selling rock book ever, but it might not cos it's not been released yet has it? Phil Spector's producing the next Vines album. Oasis play festival in Australia with The Streets and Morrissey, and Noel apologises for them being messed up 4 years ago. In more Australian news, Kelly Osbourne looks set to be shot, sorry, "questioned" for having a Bacardi Breezer a few weeks before she was 18, kinda reminds me of that Simpsons episode where Bart's supposed to get a kicked by the giant boot. Henry Rollins has had a go at Courtney Love over the whole Kurt thing. Remaining Blur dullards going to Devon to finish album. NME asks if the White Stripes are cool anymore (before the cool list even appears) cos they were on Saturday Night Live, which has a different presenter each week, when it was hosted by some Republican bloke. Oasis and Red Hot Chili Peppers cancel gigs in southeast Asia because of Bali bomb (wouldn't it be more useful for the Australian police to look into this instead of Kelly Osbourne having a Bacardi?) Charlatans deny they're splitting, but then they would wouldn't they? More Rollins news, he's doing an album of Black Flag covers with Ryan Adams, Iggy Pop and other people for three lads jailed for murder because, erm, they listened to heavy metal. The ace Beck and the ace Flaming Lips are doing an ace tour together. Fans stabbed at Queens of the Stone Age gig, placed much further back than last week's Nelly stabbing story, no-one was killed but read into that what you will. Ryan Adams produces an album for the landlord at his favourite pub. Badly Drawn Boy gets a "Bad Monkey Bad" in a Jarvis style for doing what he does at every gig, which is ramble a bit and play the songs wrong. Chris Martin and Tim Wheeler took over the Evening Session and Darius rang up, in the picture they seem to be having a "Stupidest Chin" contest with Lamacq. Wow, the Aussies have got a lot of coverage in the news this week, here's a little story about You Am I recycled from a few weeks ago in The Vines issue. Radiohead and REM for Glastonbury next year, I won't be going to that then. Hives go to Iceland and wear slightly different ties. That was the news.
Singer from The Pattern does Burn It! The Band, Grateful Dead and the fantastic Love all feature.
Jack Osbourne and Jack Black go to Jackass premiere with, erm, Fred Durst. Who isn't called Jack. Marilyn Manson dresses as a Nazi with a mullet and meets Hugh Hefner.
On bands are The Sights (from Detroit, the hat wearing singer looks like Chris Moyles without the beard. Don't they know you're not allowed ugly singers in the day and age??) and The Rain Band (from Manchester, they recieve the expected comparisons every band from the North West seems to get).
Oh, and here's a filler article which claims The Stone Roses are the coolest band of all time. Nope, they aren't. Made some great records, one of my personal favourite bands, but coolest ever? Of course not. Still, nice to read about them and see a nice collection of pictures.
And here we arrive at the cool list 2002. I haven't seen the list just yet, but my predictions are: 1-Julian Casablancas. 2-Craig Nicholls. 3-Jack White. It's a top 50. I'll list them all, with my personal opinions.
50-Gwen Stefani. Yeah, she belongs in there. Wears mental clothes, but looks like a pop star.
49-Dr Dre. Don't understand. Has he even done anything recently? Isn't cool at all, just a big bloke in his thirties.
48-Romeo. Nah, not having that. I suppose he's cool to the kids into garage and stuff, but no.
47-Roots Manuva. Yep. I like his records. Dunno if he's cool, but I'll let them have this one. Wish the NME would stop going on about that "cheese on toast" line though.
46-Mark Lanegan. From Screaming Trees and Queens of the Stone Age. He scares me.
45-Liam Gallagher. Now come on, really. Liam should be miles higher. One of my heroes, I'd have him top 3. That picture is fantastic.
44-Jay Z. Hmm. He isn't my idea of cool, but to a lot of people I'd suppose he is.
43-Dave Grohl. Yeah, he's cool. Getting on a bit, but cool.
42-Richard Fearless. I suppose.
41-Richard D James. Not cool at all! Have you seen his hair! You gotta like him though.
40-Dre (the one from Outkast). Funny, I thought it was the other one who had a lap dancing club in the basement.
39-Arthur Lee. Go and buy a Love album, they're amazing.
38-Nick Oliveri. With that beard? No chance.
37-Ryan Adams. Just because you hang about with The Strokes, it doesn't mean you get cool by osmosis.
36-Felix Da Housecat. Cool, if only for the whole trendy electroclash association.
35-Peaches. Scary. But doesn't give a fuck. So they can have that one.
34-Didz. How many times? Cooper Temple Clause are not cool! And that picture is hideous.
33-Alesha Dixon (from Mis-Teeq). Not cool.
32-DJ Hell. Or is it....Boris Becker?!?
31-Robert Harvey. I can't think of a more uncool band. Get out of here, and smarten yourself up sunshine!
30-Serj Tankian. No no no no no no no. Even if you like them, you can't say System of a Down are cool.
29-DJ Rubbish. Never heard of him. Sounds pretty funny though.
28-Carl Barat. That's more like it! He looks mega in that photo. Good old Libertines.
27-Daniel Kessler. Interpol look pretty good in those suits. Not cooler than Carl though.
26-James Murphy. Look like a bit of a fat fella to me.
25-David Holmes. Hmmm. Dunno really.
24-Courtney Love. Excuse me? Courtney Love? Actually, I don't mind her. Don't think she should be so high though.
23-Nick Pankhurst. The Beatings are one of those bands that are too cool. Somewhat stupidly, the NME asks "Do they come any cooler?" Of course they do. There's 22 more people yet!
22-Pharell Williams. As I've said before, I just don't understand.
21-Josh Homme. Yeah, cool. Another good picture.
20-Pink. Yeah, I like her. Not so much the records, but she seems alright and is cool.
19-Albert Hammond jr. Should be top 10. Albert's ace. Probably best dressed of The Strokes. He's not Nick though.
18-Kelly Osbourne. Oh wow. She looks beautiful in that picture. I love her to bits.
17-James Skelly. No way! Along with The Music, The Coral are one of the uncoolest bands there are.
16-Nick Jago. He is very cool. And the write up makes him sound like me. But most of you probably don't know who I am, so never mind.
15-Erol Alkan. Maybe he shouldn't be so high, but he should be in there.
14-Conor Oberst. Here's the Bright Eyes lad again. He's cool.
13-Miss Kitten. Possibly more trendy than cool. Understandable though.
12-VV. I don't know who this is. I've heard of The Kills, but I still don't know. NME says she's cool because she looks like a junkie.
11-Julian Casablancas. Only 11?!? He's the main reason half of the people in this list are there. As I said at the start, should be number 1.
10-Pelle Almqvist. No. Not higher than Julian.
9-Nelly. Now come on, you're just having a laugh now. Would I be a cynical bastard if I thought many of the "Urban" (as they seem to be comically bracketed together) and female artists were put in the list, or moved up, because of the flak the NME took after their very white, very male Top 50 most influential list a few months back?
8-Craig Nicholls. Thought he'd be higher actually. Can't think of many they'd put further up in the list.
7-Marcie Bolan. Very cool. The Von Bondies are another of those almost too cool bands.
6-Meg White. Bless her. Not sixth coolest, but ace all the same.
5-Mike Skinner. ?!?!? No way. I thought the point of The Streets was that he's a normal bloke who does normal stuff. Not cool. Townie.
4-Karen O. Yeah, ok. She's cool. Dunno about fourth though.
3-Dolf De Datsun. Just because his band is the coolest of the moment doesn't make him third. He's a good looking lad, but still has hair that's too long.
2-Fabrizio Moretti. Which seemingly makes him coolest of The Strokes. Fab's great, should be top ten. But not two.
Which means number 1 is.....
Jack White. Erm. No. Not cooler than Julian. Oh well. They're getting the most out of those White Stripe pictures aren't they??
So where was Nick Valensi? And Pete Doherty? And Jarvis was in the uncool top 10. Stupid list.
There's a "How cool are you?" quiz, which is neither useful or funny. And that's it.
Reviews...Badly Drawn Boy gets 8. Might buy it in a few months, after I've bought other albums I want and got some money. Justin Timberlake's debut effort is given 6. Brendan Benson, Godspeed You! Black Emperor, and Bjork's greatest hits all get 9. Sigur Ros act a bit pretentious (no album or song titles) and get 7.
Single of the Week is Queens Of The Stone Age. Good song. Britney gets a bit of a slagging, and in a Stalinist style changing of the past, I will alter my previous opinion, cos I've seen this a few more times on MTV and it does my head in now. Coldplay and Yeah Yeah Yeah get praised, and the Kill City review makes me laugh ("thanks to vocalist Lisa Moorish, Kill City are in a very small sub-genre: records made by people who've slept with Liam Gallagher...better than Appleton's "Fantasy", but nowhere as good as Patsy's "I'm Not Scared").
Live reviews, and more Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Apparently, shock horror!, the NME quite likes them. Fugazi get a good write up, as do The Polyphonic Spree and Brendan Benson. Picture of Peaches scares me a bit.
Thrills is back! Really, what is going on here? Make your mind up NME.
In NMEmail, someone makes similar comments to mine last week regarding the "prize" of a Cooper Temple Clause haircut. And there's a little letter about The Strokes go kart story from a couple of weeks ago, again in a similar vein to what I said. And British Sea Power sound like a bunch of student tossers.
Next week will have Nirvana stuff, which I'm guessing means a retrospective article by the editor that talks about teenage moshers wearing Nirvana hoodies and how grunge died when Kurt shot himself, and a reprinted interview with the band from ten years ago.
That's it. A dull issue really. Lots of pretty pictures, but lacking in content. Like I said at the start, filler issues at the moment before the big Christmas bonanza.
