DO YOU REALIZE??
...that you lovely lovely people have no way of contacting me! stretty@hotmail.com. Do e-mail me. Please! Tell me what you think about the magazine reviews. Do you agree? Disagree? Couldn't care less? Any ideas about what I could do on this thing? I welcome any input.
Care to tell me about those rumours? You know the ones.
On a totally unrelated point, what are your thoughts on News At 10?
I'm not obvious at all, oh no.

PUBLIC NME #1
(Due to techincal difficulties, the NME review is behind schedule. Sorry.)
The NME's in a bag again. This is because it's Bring It On time, and as an extra special treat you lucky lucky people get a Chain With No Name advent calender. Except the drawings are a bit rubbish.
Bring It On gives us The Datsuns, Pretty Girls Make Graves, the rather splendid Thrills, Glassjaw, The Kills, Kinesis, The Rapture, 24 hours on tour with Bright Eyes, and a gig crawl with some readers, which features another picture of Pete Libertine in his skirt.As well as fan meetings with The (International) Noise Conspiracy.
Those nice Black Rebel Motorcycle Club boys are on the cover this week, looking all mean and moody. Horrid shirt you've got on there though Peter.
News... and it's the lovely Kelly. Good job she's had her hair cut since these pictures though, cos she's got some mangled bowlhead going on here. It's a story about how she's fighting her record label about her album and stuff. Not very interesting really. At Kelly's debut gig, the support act are called The Sexy Magazines, which sounds good to me.
Eminem's been getting lots of movie offers. He's the James Dean of rap, ya know. Someone's been shot at a showing of his film, this time it was a guy in the movie, and he was shot on the actual 8 mile.
G-Man from So Solid Crew has been arrested for possesion of a gun. Ms Dynamite played a secret gig. Stupid stories about Twiggy Ramirez from Marilyn Manson joining Blur, and the ex-Guns n Roses members forming a band with Courtney Love. The Vines' new album might be out next week. Jam Master Jay's family are pissed off about the rumours of his killing being a drug deal gone wrong. NME gets You Cocked by Mark Greaney from JJ72. Turn the page, and what do we see here?? I believe it's a picture of the newly shorn head of Fabrizio Morretti, as predicted by your friendly neighbourhood Liberteen in the last NME review. Reports that the newly recruited ex-Daily Star gossip columnist will attempt to "dumb up" the NME's news coverage are entirely unfounded. Starsailor will play a "hometown" charity gig (funny, I thought they were from Wigan). Idlewild have a new bassist and guitarist. On and on and on and on go the NME about Kurt's diaries, this time asking what musicians think; Henry Rollins hates Courtney, Wayne Coyne thought it would be published on the net anyway, Roddy Woomble speaks for pretty much everyone I reckon, and Steve Lamacq talks about his time at the NME, and is a split second away from launching into his Richey Manic/4 real story. Fischerspooner were on Top Of The Pops last week with Kylie. You can win a Free Winona t-shirt. Misprinted news story has me checking the bag for free badges, before realising that it's obviously for next week; please Mr NME, would you put The Strokes, White Stripes and Libertines badges in the same bag for me? cos I don't really want an NME or You Cock one. There's a Robbie Williams snoozefest spread over 2 pages. Ya know, it'd been doing my head in why matey boy from Coldplay had "B.H." on his hand, but finally the NME answered my prayers! It's the initials of his mate, whose birthday it was! Phew! I've spent many sleepless nights trying to figure out what it meant, and now I know. Feeder played a small gig and talked about Jon Lee's suicide. Suge Knight's Tha Row office was raided by police. Scary old Mick Jones and Joe Strummer played Clash songs for the firefighters. Ryan Adams has made a hardcore rock album with his mate as "The Finger", but it isn't really Ryan Adams, cos he might get in trouble, so hush don't tell anyone. Billy Corgan's new band Zwan have got a record deal. Men from System Of A Down and Audioslave have formed anti-George Bush/pro-helping abused children thing. Tim Burgess continues to wear the best t-shirts in the world, and is "isolated" in LA. The Manics played a new song at their homecoming gig. New Band News introduces us to Pretty Girls Make Graves.
Tubby guy from Sum 41 does the Burn It! CD, and it's bloody awful.
Moving swiftly on, and...oh dear, there's that indie cock again! That chin seems suspiciously Chris Martin-ish. But would he wear a leather jacket like that? Hmm, the plot thickens. Face revealed next week.
Cranebuilders are another "Hot New Band". I don't know who this is, and they're scouse. But...apparently they sound like "The Velvet Underground, David Bowie, Joy Division and The Smiths", which can do no harm whatsoever.
Ryan Adams...is he a tosser? Or alright really? Hmm, I dunno. Not read the article yet either. Well I have other things to do! Like write this for you ungrateful people!
James Murphy (LCD Soundsystem) is a good man. "Who doesn't love to dance?" A guy after my own heart.
Article on violence at gigs that could be good but is crammed into half a page. By the way, Guns N Roses played Leeds on the Friday, the rioting was on the Sunday, so there isn't really much of a link there. Arseholes at gigs are the most annoying thing in the world, especially the dicks who throw pints. Stop bullying people, grow up and get a fucking LIFE!!!
Here's BRMC! I love this band, because that's what I wanna do when I grow up. Wear black, act moody, live with my mates and make fuckin' ace records! Good article, if annoying cos they talk about the new album when it won't be out for ages yet.
Album reviews...I know I shouldn't like Ladytron, but they're good dammit! 8. Audioslave are predictably rubbish, 4. Ja Rule also isn't up to much, with a 6. Darius is a load of toss, though perhaps harshly gets 0. Wait, this is Darius, so it's a fully deserved 0. The Hellacoptors inspired The Datsuns, unsurprisingly (on a related note, apparently Ver Datsuns sent a demo to Twisted Nerve last year, and "it was shit"). 7. Blazin' Squad do NOT deserve a 6. Give them 0 for God's sake!
Single Of The Week is Eminem, with the best song he's done. Ms Dynamite, Solomon Burke and the fantastic looking Star Spangles are all good. Robbie Williams, Blur and Chumbwamba are shit.
Live reviews...Doves are great. The Rapture do "Louie Louie", and are ace. So are Ladytron, but I wouldn't go see them live. The Basement played a gig, but I only mention this because it was at The Winter Gardens.
The Works asks "how do I form a band?". Apparently, you get some mates and write some songs! And here's me thinking you go to some kind of audition!
Thrills is here for our entertainment.
In NMEmail, people are predictably annoyed about the top 100 singles list. There's a picture of Pete Libertine in the "Picture This" section, which almost redeems it. Almost.
Next week we get badges! Woo hoo!

NME OF THE STATE
This week's NME is in a big, bright orange bag, which is quite hideous, but it's to hold a CD in, which is quite ace. The Libertines, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Beatings, Von Bondies, BRMC, The Thrills, The D4. God, pretty much every band on this is fantastic (not including The Music or Cooper Temple Clause, of course). The sleeve notes are a bit over-excited though. Yeah, the bands are great, but is it all really a "revolution"? After all, it's getting on two years since The Strokes first showed up, and "our" music doesn't seem to have made such a huge impact. (read more about this kinda thing in this article.)
After you get the package open and unattach the sticky bit from your fingers, you'll find Dave Grohl with his face chopped in half. One side's evil, one side's good, and his face doesn't match up properly. Pink's trying to crawl into his ear too, and Karen O still manages to get away with not looking that good but still being a sex symbol.
A guide to the free CD is on the third page. If you're impressed by this little collection, I'd recommend the other free one with the new X-Ray magazine. I did a review of that too, but my computer packed in when I was halfway through, and I couldn't be arsed starting over again.
News...Eminem won some awards at the MTV Europe Awards and flashed his arse, Moby sucked up and wished him luck, Robbie Williams told NME to "fuck off", nothing else happened really. You can win an NME New Rock Revolution t-shirt, or buy one from nme.com. The new Blur single sounds a bit shit, surprise surprise. Picture of that Sophie Ellis Bextor anti-fur advert. The Datsuns, The Polyphonic Spree, Interpol and The Thrills are the acts on next year's annual NME awards tour, which sounds pretty damn cool. Axl Rose is a tosser again, and didn't turn up for the first night of Guns N' Roses North American tour, so fans rioted. But it wasn't his fault, oh no. Someone was arrested at a screening of the new Eminem film for having a gun. There's now a reward of $250,000 for information on Jam Master Jay's murder. Pink says she wants to shoot the Nigerian president, because of the stoning of the woman/Miss World controversy. Fab Strokes has done a drawing for a Broken Wrist Project art book, which is a really really really old story, and I mean months and months (by the way, Fab's fabulous hair is no more! It'll be in the NME next week, I betcha! Don't believe me? Just lookie here). Liam and Noel have fallen out again, and haven't talked for ages. Wayne Flaming Lips said he got punched by Beck, but he didn't really. Kurt Cobain won the reader voted non-NME list coolest people thing. In more Kurt news, lots of Nirvana fans took offence to the Journals being published. Ryan Adams wants Doves to be his backing band. Ex-RATM and current Audioslave man doesn't like George Bush. NME get mentioned once in this "Live Forever" Britpop documentary, and obviously hype it up so it sounds like they have a starring role.
The Go are the "Hot New Band" (this corner of the NME bears the faint whiff of Melody Maker). They sound alright though, and Jack White used to play with them.
Interpol "Burn It!", and a jolly good job they do too. Ladytron, Primal Scream and the legend that is Nick Cave claim their places. It isn't up to last week's Pete Libertine standards though.
ARGH! There is a picture of someone's dick on the gossip page. It says "Your Cock" (geddit??), and apparently it's an indie celebrity. They'll reveal more of the picture every week until the owner steps forward. I can hardly wait.
Another "Hot New Band" (Melody Maker senses tingling!), My Morning Jacket. "We're not very cool guys". Ya don't say.
The D4 have a percentage rating system for their gigs. "If we did play 100%, that would involve death". What percentage does it take for hair loss? Because that Jimmy Christmas fella's hair line seems to be receding fast. Cracking tune they've got though, even though they seem to have stretched it out over an album.
Dave Grohl continues to be the nicest man on Planet Rock. Nice interview, nice man, nice band, who occasionally, in the immortal words of J. Casablancas, rock your fucking balls off!!!
Radio 4 don't look very cool, but they sound ace! Their "Dance To The Underground" single is great. There's a little guide to these punk-funk bands around at the moment too. It's about time us indie kids who like a dance had some new tunes to groove along to. If only they learned that down our local indie disco.
Yeah Yeah Yeahs continue to be fantastic. You have to feel sorry for Karen O though, being forced to talk about sex with the hippocrocomoose that is Mark Beaumont (only jokin' Mark!).
Reviews...Jay-Z releases yet another album, and gets 8. Pulp's "Hits" is predictably ace, and is 9. Sum 41 get more than they deserve with a 7. Atari Teenage Riot's raraties collection is 8.
LCD Soundsystem is Single Of The Week. Paul Weller, The Go and The D4's records are all good; Liberty X, Nickelback and Atomic Kitten aren't.
Live reviews, and Pink contines to become some how quite good actually. Well, I'm not really into her records that much, but she seems like a nice girl, and enjoys what she's doing. Burning Brides are NME approved, and The Warlocks sound bloody ace! Sugababes still hate each other. And Steve Sutherland thinks he's in with female Strokes fans just because he went to see The Rolling Stones the night before a Strokes gig.
Thrills has returned. I only mention this because there's a picture of The Strokes.
Instead of the texting bit in NMEmail, you can now send pictures with your snazzy photo taking phone. What a silly idea. I don't expect this to last long. There's a picture of some guy with Simon from Suede. Whoopie doo. And one of Steve Albini, who to be honest, I wouldn't recognise if I fell over him while he was wearing a big sign round his neck saying "Hi! I'm Steve Albini! Take pictures of me with your mobile phone and send them to the new NME section sponsored by Vodafone!"
Next week BRMC are on the cover, but it'll have to be good to top this week's paper. Good bands, good interviews, and a great CD. Keep it up NME people!

BACK IN THE B.L.O.G.G.E.R
So my computer went mental over the weekend, hence why the paper reviews, or indeed anything else, haven't appeared. I will try to get it done now. If I still have anyone coming back who'd like to read it, then I'm really sorry it took so long. Thanks for your patience with me. xx