SPOILT BRATS
So, the NME awards are nearly upon us once more. Has it really been a year since Nick Valensi stole the show in a white jacket? Why yes, yes it has.
*sigh* Nick.
Anyhoo, here are the nominees, with my two-peneth thrown into the hat.
BEST UK BAND
The Libertines
Oasis
The Coral
Radiohead
The Cooper Temple Clause
Coldplay
Hmm. Well it's between Oasis and The Libertines for me. And I think I'll plump for Oasis. I dunno why, just because. So there.
BEST INTERNATIONAL BAND
The Strokes
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
The Vines
The White Stripes
The Hives
Foo Fighters
Now this is tougher. While The Strokes did get bigger and bigger this last year, they only released, what, one single? And played a handful of UK gigs. Ditto The White Stripes. I don't get the Foo Fighters thing at all, and The Hives have already been found out, haven't they? Which leaves us with BRMC and The Vines. While BRMC are ace, I gotta see this going to The Vines. Then again, what with Craig's craziness, maybe they'll give it to whoever turns up. Hello Jack n Meg.
BEST LIVE BAND
Muse
The Datsuns
The Vines
The Polyphonic Spree
Oasis
The Hives
I saw all these bands last year. Apart from Polyphonic Spree. But The Strokes were on at the same time, so you gotta let me off there. Muse were the most boring band I have *ever* seen. The Datsuns were quite entertaining. Oasis went back to playing massive gigs, and that ain't a good thang. The Hives need a new act. But The Vines really were quite fantastic. So yeah, those oh so wacky Antipodeans can have this one.
BEST SOLO ARTIST
The Streets
Pink
Avril Lavigne
Ryan Adams
Eminem
Ms Dynamite
Ok. Avril Lavigne? What?! Ms Dynamite has potential, but is over rated. Same for Pink. Eminem is garbage. I don't get the Ryan Adams thing. Which leaves us with that Mike Skinner fella. And since he can turn a good tune every now and then, The Streets can win here.
BEST NEW BAND
The Coral
The Vines
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
The Libertines
The Datsuns
The Music
Get The Music outta my ears already. I'm still not having The Coral. And while I may sometimes be a bit partial to The Datsuns, they can't win. So then, The Vines, BRMC and The Libertines. Fuck it. This is going to my boys. Yay for The Libertines!
BEST VIDEO
‘Fell In Love With A Girl’ The White Stripes
‘No One Knows’ Queens Of The Stone Age
‘The Scientist’ Coldplay
‘Tribute’ Tenacious D
‘Whatever Happened To My Rock ‘n’ Roll (Punk Song)’ Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
‘You Know You're Right’ Nirvana
God, get these awards over with so they'll stop showing the advert for this on MTV2. I have no idea why "No One Knows" and "Whatever Happened To My Rock n Roll" are nominated. "Tribute" never was funny, and grows ever more tedious. "The Scientist" is clever, but it still has gonk boy going "AWOOOOOOHOOO" at the end. So therefore, this goes to everyone's favourite tired old husband/sister cliche.
BEST ALBUM
‘Highly Evolved’ The Vines
‘A Rush Of Blood To The Head’ Coldplay
‘Heathen Chemistry’ Oasis
‘The Coral’ The Coral
‘Songs For The Deaf’ Queens of The Stone Age
‘Original Pirate Material’ The Streets
Since I've only actually heard all of 'Heathen Chemistry' and 'Highly Evolved', I'm probably ill advised to comment. But I've got a blog, so fuck ya. Oasis.
BEST RADIO SHOW
Chris Moyles, Radio 1
The Breezeblock, Radio 1
Gary Crowley, BBC Radio London
Mark & Lard, Radio 1
The Evening Session/Lamacq Live, Radio 1
John Peel, Radio 1
What, no Liz Kershaw?! 6 Music's great. Pisses all over Moyles. But Lurpacq will win anyway, so there ya go.
BEST TV SHOW
Gonzo
The Office
I’m Alan Partridge
Peter Kay’s Phoenix Nights
The Osbournes
Jackass
We all know The Office will win. And yeah, it's good. But Pheonix Nights is better.
BEST SINGLE
‘Get Free’ The Vines
‘All My Life’ Foo Fighters
‘No One Knows’ Queens Of The Stone Age
‘There Goes The Fear’ Doves
‘The Scientist’ Coldplay
‘Envy’ Ash
Oh Ash. Sweet little Ash. Forever nominated for this award, aren't you? Give it to The Vines, cos it's the one I most like to dance to.
THE F*** ME! AWARD FOR INNOVATION VOTED BY NME
The Neptunes
The Streets
Interpol
Fischerspooner
The White Stripes
Panjabi MC
Is this a joke? I can't tell. The Neptunes have produced the same record for about two years, just changed the vocals. Interpol, bless 'em, really need to get over the Ian Curtis complex. Fischerspooner needn't be mentioned. I don't wanna knock The White Stripes, but, ya know. Blues. And Panjabi MC?! Didn't his record only come out last week? So The Streets then, cos no one sounds like The Streets. But still, ya know. Can't tell if they're having a laugh.
PHILIP HALL HOT NEW BAND VOTED BY NME
Jet
Kings of Leon
The Kills
The Thrills
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
The Warlocks
Still haven't heard Jet, Kings of Leon or The Warlocks. The Kills are ok. I really like The Thrills, but the Yeah Yeah Yeahs deserve this one. And as a fuck son, you suck.
ARTIST OF THE YEAR
Coldplay
Oasis
Pink
Eminem
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
The Vines
Umm, Pink and Eminem? Give it The Vines, just cos Oasis have had enuff alveady.
BEST FILM
24 Hour Party People
Minority Report
Bowling For Columbine
28 Days Later
About A Boy
Goldmember
I've watched 24 Hour Party People five times in the last week. I love that film. And yeah, there's plenty of flaws, but it's still mega. So that gets a middle finger.
MOST SEXY MAN
Chris Martin
Liam Gallagher
Fab
Craig Nicholls
Dave Grohl
Julian Casablancas
Chris Martin? Hello? What? Fab doesn't need a second name anymore, apparently. Craig Nicholls is just too weird. And short. I really really don't understand the Dave Grohl thing. He just seems old to me. Liam totally has something, but then Jules is eight years younger. And since there is no Valensi, and Fab cut his hair off, Julian wins by default.
MOST SEXY WOMAN
Kylie
Avril Lavigne
Karen O
Charlotte Hatherley
Christina Aguilera
Meg White
Avril Lavigne? Christina Aguilera? And no Kelly Osbourne? NME body facists. Kylie is sooo last year's awards. I used to really fancy Charlotte, but that was when she had short hair and I had Melody Maker posters on the wall. And while my phone does bear the legend "I LOVE MEG", she still looks too innocent to, ya know. So Karen O just nicks it. Cos she's fantasticly dressed, and would half kill me.
VILLAIN OF THE YEAR
Osama bin Laden
Robbie Williams
George W Bush
Simon Cowell
Pete Waterman
Tony Blair
Very predictable. Bin Laden though? I'd have thought Saddam would take the "big scary middle easterner" position. While they're all bad (except Simon Cowell, who's brilliant on American Idol), Bush is the truly evil one.
HERO OF THE YEAR
Liam Gallagher
Dave Grohl
Chris Martin
Craig Nicholls
Graham Coxon
Ozzy Osbourne
There's only Liam worth it here. So Mr Gallagher wins!
BEST LIVE VENUE
Brixton Academy
London Astoria
Glasgow Barrowlands
Shepherd's Bush Empire
Nottingham Rock City
Birmingham Academy
I haven't been to any, and I don't care. Whatever.
BEST HAIRCUT
Liam Gallagher
Didz
Craig Nicholls
Dave Grohl
Fab
Jack White
But Fab's hair has gone! Still, I suppose if you hated his curly mop, then you'd regard it as best haircut. But I loved the mop! Jack White's hair is a bit daft. Didz looks like one of The Faces. The again, Liam looks like one of The Small Faces. Dave Grohl has a ridiculous fringe. So Craig then. But dammit, where is Nick?!
BEST DRESSED
The Hives
Julian Casablancas
Jack White
Liam Gallagher
Taylor Hawkins
The Polyphonic Spree
So three of these wear uniforms, and are thus ruled out immediately. Doesn't Taylor Hawkins wear shorts? God I really don't get the Foo Fighters thing. Liam does look great, but you get the idea that at home he wouldn't put the effort in. Wheras Julian. Well, he's ace. Although I do believe Albert Hammond should be in with a shout.
BEST WEBSITE
NME
Ash Unofficial
Oasis
Foo Fighters
BRMC
Popbitch
Oasis' website is bloody awful! BRMC's is quite good. Popbitch went over. NME can't give it to themselves. Jesus, this is a stupid award. I mean really, who wants to win best website? Actually, I'll have it. If anyone at NME reads this, would they fix it so I could win? I never win anything.
WORST ALBUM
Robbie Williams -'Escapology'
Gareth Gates - 'What My Heart Wants To Say'
The Streets - 'Original Pirate Material'
The Vines - 'Highly Evolved'
Westlife - 'Unbreakable'
Coldplay - 'A Rush Of Blood To The Head'
Gareth Gates and Westlife are irrelevant cannon fodder for this. They wouldn't give it to The Vines, Streets or Coldplay. So Robbie Williams then, cos he really is extremely shit.
WORST SINGLE
Las Ketchup - 'The Ketchup Song'
The Cheeky Girls - 'Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum)'
Will Young and Gareth Gates - 'The Long And Winding Road'
Nickelback - 'How You Remind Me'
Robbie Williams - 'Feel'
Blazin Squad - 'Crossroads'
Again, too many of these are irrelevant. Nickelback are the worst, because people actually think they are good.
WORST BAND
S Club Juniors
Westlife
Stereophonics
Nickelback
Atomic Kitten
Blue
God NME, these pop band have no meaning to anyone! Don't give them the time of day. Since Nickelback get worst single, Stereophonics can be worst band.
WORST HAIRCUT
Gareth Gates
Kelly Osbourne
Kelly Jones
Jack Osbourne
Pink
Chad Kroeger
Leave my Kelly alone! Chad Kroeger's hair is truly awful, so he wins. Or loses. I dunno.
WORST DRESSED
Gareth Gates
Christina Aguilera
Mike Skinner
Kelly Osbourne
Robbie Williams
Robert Harvey
Hmm. Apart from Kelly O, they're all pretty bad. But Robert Harvey gets it, because people see that is cool. And I know those kind of people. And they annoy me. I'm so full of hate and bitterness.
BEST EVENT
Ozzfest
Oasis at Finsbury Park
Glastonbury
Carling Reading/Leeds Festival
T In The Park
V2002
Since I only went to Leeds, it wins by default. However, will NME dare reward the carnage and destruction?! Will they balls.
God that took ages. I would have done it earlier, but I was watching Michael Jackson. So yeah, there's my thoughts. Send me an e-mail if you disagree, ya know, if you wanna.
So, the NME awards are nearly upon us once more. Has it really been a year since Nick Valensi stole the show in a white jacket? Why yes, yes it has.
*sigh* Nick.
Anyhoo, here are the nominees, with my two-peneth thrown into the hat.
BEST UK BAND
The Libertines
Oasis
The Coral
Radiohead
The Cooper Temple Clause
Coldplay
Hmm. Well it's between Oasis and The Libertines for me. And I think I'll plump for Oasis. I dunno why, just because. So there.
BEST INTERNATIONAL BAND
The Strokes
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
The Vines
The White Stripes
The Hives
Foo Fighters
Now this is tougher. While The Strokes did get bigger and bigger this last year, they only released, what, one single? And played a handful of UK gigs. Ditto The White Stripes. I don't get the Foo Fighters thing at all, and The Hives have already been found out, haven't they? Which leaves us with BRMC and The Vines. While BRMC are ace, I gotta see this going to The Vines. Then again, what with Craig's craziness, maybe they'll give it to whoever turns up. Hello Jack n Meg.
BEST LIVE BAND
Muse
The Datsuns
The Vines
The Polyphonic Spree
Oasis
The Hives
I saw all these bands last year. Apart from Polyphonic Spree. But The Strokes were on at the same time, so you gotta let me off there. Muse were the most boring band I have *ever* seen. The Datsuns were quite entertaining. Oasis went back to playing massive gigs, and that ain't a good thang. The Hives need a new act. But The Vines really were quite fantastic. So yeah, those oh so wacky Antipodeans can have this one.
BEST SOLO ARTIST
The Streets
Pink
Avril Lavigne
Ryan Adams
Eminem
Ms Dynamite
Ok. Avril Lavigne? What?! Ms Dynamite has potential, but is over rated. Same for Pink. Eminem is garbage. I don't get the Ryan Adams thing. Which leaves us with that Mike Skinner fella. And since he can turn a good tune every now and then, The Streets can win here.
BEST NEW BAND
The Coral
The Vines
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
The Libertines
The Datsuns
The Music
Get The Music outta my ears already. I'm still not having The Coral. And while I may sometimes be a bit partial to The Datsuns, they can't win. So then, The Vines, BRMC and The Libertines. Fuck it. This is going to my boys. Yay for The Libertines!
BEST VIDEO
‘Fell In Love With A Girl’ The White Stripes
‘No One Knows’ Queens Of The Stone Age
‘The Scientist’ Coldplay
‘Tribute’ Tenacious D
‘Whatever Happened To My Rock ‘n’ Roll (Punk Song)’ Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
‘You Know You're Right’ Nirvana
God, get these awards over with so they'll stop showing the advert for this on MTV2. I have no idea why "No One Knows" and "Whatever Happened To My Rock n Roll" are nominated. "Tribute" never was funny, and grows ever more tedious. "The Scientist" is clever, but it still has gonk boy going "AWOOOOOOHOOO" at the end. So therefore, this goes to everyone's favourite tired old husband/sister cliche.
BEST ALBUM
‘Highly Evolved’ The Vines
‘A Rush Of Blood To The Head’ Coldplay
‘Heathen Chemistry’ Oasis
‘The Coral’ The Coral
‘Songs For The Deaf’ Queens of The Stone Age
‘Original Pirate Material’ The Streets
Since I've only actually heard all of 'Heathen Chemistry' and 'Highly Evolved', I'm probably ill advised to comment. But I've got a blog, so fuck ya. Oasis.
BEST RADIO SHOW
Chris Moyles, Radio 1
The Breezeblock, Radio 1
Gary Crowley, BBC Radio London
Mark & Lard, Radio 1
The Evening Session/Lamacq Live, Radio 1
John Peel, Radio 1
What, no Liz Kershaw?! 6 Music's great. Pisses all over Moyles. But Lurpacq will win anyway, so there ya go.
BEST TV SHOW
Gonzo
The Office
I’m Alan Partridge
Peter Kay’s Phoenix Nights
The Osbournes
Jackass
We all know The Office will win. And yeah, it's good. But Pheonix Nights is better.
BEST SINGLE
‘Get Free’ The Vines
‘All My Life’ Foo Fighters
‘No One Knows’ Queens Of The Stone Age
‘There Goes The Fear’ Doves
‘The Scientist’ Coldplay
‘Envy’ Ash
Oh Ash. Sweet little Ash. Forever nominated for this award, aren't you? Give it to The Vines, cos it's the one I most like to dance to.
THE F*** ME! AWARD FOR INNOVATION VOTED BY NME
The Neptunes
The Streets
Interpol
Fischerspooner
The White Stripes
Panjabi MC
Is this a joke? I can't tell. The Neptunes have produced the same record for about two years, just changed the vocals. Interpol, bless 'em, really need to get over the Ian Curtis complex. Fischerspooner needn't be mentioned. I don't wanna knock The White Stripes, but, ya know. Blues. And Panjabi MC?! Didn't his record only come out last week? So The Streets then, cos no one sounds like The Streets. But still, ya know. Can't tell if they're having a laugh.
PHILIP HALL HOT NEW BAND VOTED BY NME
Jet
Kings of Leon
The Kills
The Thrills
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
The Warlocks
Still haven't heard Jet, Kings of Leon or The Warlocks. The Kills are ok. I really like The Thrills, but the Yeah Yeah Yeahs deserve this one. And as a fuck son, you suck.
ARTIST OF THE YEAR
Coldplay
Oasis
Pink
Eminem
Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
The Vines
Umm, Pink and Eminem? Give it The Vines, just cos Oasis have had enuff alveady.
BEST FILM
24 Hour Party People
Minority Report
Bowling For Columbine
28 Days Later
About A Boy
Goldmember
I've watched 24 Hour Party People five times in the last week. I love that film. And yeah, there's plenty of flaws, but it's still mega. So that gets a middle finger.
MOST SEXY MAN
Chris Martin
Liam Gallagher
Fab
Craig Nicholls
Dave Grohl
Julian Casablancas
Chris Martin? Hello? What? Fab doesn't need a second name anymore, apparently. Craig Nicholls is just too weird. And short. I really really don't understand the Dave Grohl thing. He just seems old to me. Liam totally has something, but then Jules is eight years younger. And since there is no Valensi, and Fab cut his hair off, Julian wins by default.
MOST SEXY WOMAN
Kylie
Avril Lavigne
Karen O
Charlotte Hatherley
Christina Aguilera
Meg White
Avril Lavigne? Christina Aguilera? And no Kelly Osbourne? NME body facists. Kylie is sooo last year's awards. I used to really fancy Charlotte, but that was when she had short hair and I had Melody Maker posters on the wall. And while my phone does bear the legend "I LOVE MEG", she still looks too innocent to, ya know. So Karen O just nicks it. Cos she's fantasticly dressed, and would half kill me.
VILLAIN OF THE YEAR
Osama bin Laden
Robbie Williams
George W Bush
Simon Cowell
Pete Waterman
Tony Blair
Very predictable. Bin Laden though? I'd have thought Saddam would take the "big scary middle easterner" position. While they're all bad (except Simon Cowell, who's brilliant on American Idol), Bush is the truly evil one.
HERO OF THE YEAR
Liam Gallagher
Dave Grohl
Chris Martin
Craig Nicholls
Graham Coxon
Ozzy Osbourne
There's only Liam worth it here. So Mr Gallagher wins!
BEST LIVE VENUE
Brixton Academy
London Astoria
Glasgow Barrowlands
Shepherd's Bush Empire
Nottingham Rock City
Birmingham Academy
I haven't been to any, and I don't care. Whatever.
BEST HAIRCUT
Liam Gallagher
Didz
Craig Nicholls
Dave Grohl
Fab
Jack White
But Fab's hair has gone! Still, I suppose if you hated his curly mop, then you'd regard it as best haircut. But I loved the mop! Jack White's hair is a bit daft. Didz looks like one of The Faces. The again, Liam looks like one of The Small Faces. Dave Grohl has a ridiculous fringe. So Craig then. But dammit, where is Nick?!
BEST DRESSED
The Hives
Julian Casablancas
Jack White
Liam Gallagher
Taylor Hawkins
The Polyphonic Spree
So three of these wear uniforms, and are thus ruled out immediately. Doesn't Taylor Hawkins wear shorts? God I really don't get the Foo Fighters thing. Liam does look great, but you get the idea that at home he wouldn't put the effort in. Wheras Julian. Well, he's ace. Although I do believe Albert Hammond should be in with a shout.
BEST WEBSITE
NME
Ash Unofficial
Oasis
Foo Fighters
BRMC
Popbitch
Oasis' website is bloody awful! BRMC's is quite good. Popbitch went over. NME can't give it to themselves. Jesus, this is a stupid award. I mean really, who wants to win best website? Actually, I'll have it. If anyone at NME reads this, would they fix it so I could win? I never win anything.
WORST ALBUM
Robbie Williams -'Escapology'
Gareth Gates - 'What My Heart Wants To Say'
The Streets - 'Original Pirate Material'
The Vines - 'Highly Evolved'
Westlife - 'Unbreakable'
Coldplay - 'A Rush Of Blood To The Head'
Gareth Gates and Westlife are irrelevant cannon fodder for this. They wouldn't give it to The Vines, Streets or Coldplay. So Robbie Williams then, cos he really is extremely shit.
WORST SINGLE
Las Ketchup - 'The Ketchup Song'
The Cheeky Girls - 'Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum)'
Will Young and Gareth Gates - 'The Long And Winding Road'
Nickelback - 'How You Remind Me'
Robbie Williams - 'Feel'
Blazin Squad - 'Crossroads'
Again, too many of these are irrelevant. Nickelback are the worst, because people actually think they are good.
WORST BAND
S Club Juniors
Westlife
Stereophonics
Nickelback
Atomic Kitten
Blue
God NME, these pop band have no meaning to anyone! Don't give them the time of day. Since Nickelback get worst single, Stereophonics can be worst band.
WORST HAIRCUT
Gareth Gates
Kelly Osbourne
Kelly Jones
Jack Osbourne
Pink
Chad Kroeger
Leave my Kelly alone! Chad Kroeger's hair is truly awful, so he wins. Or loses. I dunno.
WORST DRESSED
Gareth Gates
Christina Aguilera
Mike Skinner
Kelly Osbourne
Robbie Williams
Robert Harvey
Hmm. Apart from Kelly O, they're all pretty bad. But Robert Harvey gets it, because people see that is cool. And I know those kind of people. And they annoy me. I'm so full of hate and bitterness.
BEST EVENT
Ozzfest
Oasis at Finsbury Park
Glastonbury
Carling Reading/Leeds Festival
T In The Park
V2002
Since I only went to Leeds, it wins by default. However, will NME dare reward the carnage and destruction?! Will they balls.
God that took ages. I would have done it earlier, but I was watching Michael Jackson. So yeah, there's my thoughts. Send me an e-mail if you disagree, ya know, if you wanna.
posted by Matt at
11:48 PM
